Don't harm your neighbors

Everyone who works at Casa Maya keeps telling me about the importance of teaching simple morals and ideals in every single lesson or demonstrating them when I interact with kids. They keep telling me how important it is to stress sharing, helping each other, not fighting and respecting other's property. Every time somebody told me this my first week at Casa Maya I just sort of shrugged them off. I didn't ignore them because I thought their intentions were wrong but because I didn't believe that the need for such simple lessons could be so great.

On my second Monday on the job I had an epiphany kids in El Salvador don't learn these so called simple values from society, home or school. I could feel my preconceived notions about Salvadorian need crumbling around me. I assumed that I was coming to a well grounded country were I would be able to work off of the social and cultural building blocks that I am so accustomed to in the States but I was wrong. The people who are working with ESNA and Casa Maya are working on the next generation of kids, they are working on the building blocks for the future of El Salvador. Only from values such as don't harm your neighbor and help others in need can El Salvador prosper in the future. Mutual respect and trust is important in any relationship whether economic, political or social.

Walking on my own

Yesterday I walked 5 kilometers in the blazing Salvadorian sun. Now before you make up your mind about this experience hear me out - I loved every moment of it. I have not really left my house in 12 days. Atecazol made me feel like I had some freedom. As superficial as this feeling might be the walk lifted my spirits. The only time I have walked more than 5 blocks or exerted myself in any manner over the past few weeks was to walk Michele to school with her mom Erika. Before we left the house Erika asked me three different times if the sun bothered me, each time with more concern in her voice than the last. I think she thought I couldn't understand her.

The walk to Atecazol was fantastic mostly because it was done at a quick steady pace, a welcome relief from what I have begun to call the "tropical stroll". I am a goal oriented girl I set my sights on the end and I do everything I can do to get there as fast as possible. It kills me that when we walk the 4 blocks to the store it takes almost 15 minutes. I know that some people say the journey is the best part but I just can't get my mind off of the end point.

The walk to Atecazol was also great because there was nobody to grab my arm and push me into the street at the right moment to cross or pull me back when they're sure I'm about to get hit by a car. The first day I came to Itzalco we went to the market and everyone's pushing a pulling almost got me run over. At one point we were crossing the street and Connie decided it was time to cross, she looked left then right and pushed (firmly guided me into the road might sound nicer here but oh well) me into the road. Just as she pushed me into the road a car came careening around the corner. Michele grabbed my right arm to pull me back toward her and Connie my left to pull me back toward her. In the end I simply ended up stumbling around in the street with two people pushing and pulling me all over the place while a car was rapidly approaching. It's nice not to have somebody decide for you when to take that first step to cross the street.

Frailty has been a constant theme here in El Salvador. People keep asking me if I am okay, if I am too hot, if I need to take a nap, or if I need an extra break in the middle of my 6 hour work week. I am surprised by how much the sun saps my energy but at the same time I know that I'm not made out of fine china. I have made up my mind that I am going to prove to the Salvadorians that I am not made of glass. I am going to prove to them that I do work 12 hour days in the states under the pounding sun, that I can walk 3 miles and not faint and that I can in fact sustain myself. I am going to prove that I can rally with the best, if not the best of El Salvador at least the best of the US.

Sun on my face, wind in my hair

I sat in front of Carlos' house today. I waited for him to grab something from his house and hop back in the truck. In the car I counted the days I have left in El Salvador on one hand while the hot sun beat down on my chest. As I was sitting there I thought that I could grow to love this sun. Even though it felt it heavy on my body, like a weight it, was not uncomfortable. It was rather comforting almost like a boyfriend or a girlfriend, warm and steady at my side. Carlos jumped back in the car after a few moments and broke my moment with nature and we headed to downtown Caluco to pick up Brittanie.

There is only room for one person in the truck so when Brittanie came I had to hop in the back, but I prefer riding in the back of the truck anyways. The floor of the truck has a large hole at the base of the shifter that lets in tons of exhaust, I can breathe easier in the back. The hole in the floor board of Carlos' truck reminds me of my brother's cars, always in a state of disrepair. Carlos' truck isn't like this on purpose though or because he just hasn't gotten around to fixing it's falling apart because he doesn't have the means to put it back together. People here definitely live by the idea of waste not want not.

In the back of the truck the breeze that brushes my cheeks is hot and salty but it is refreshing all the same. As a child I used to ride my horses as fast as I could or hop on an ATV just to feel the breeze on my face. Riding in the back of the truck brings back good memories of days that were easier. Even though riding in the back of a truck is a novelty for me now that I am older it is the reality for the people of El Salvador. To the Salvadorians it doesn't signify easier times it signifies the struggle of getting to work, the mess of a wind tossed hair-do and lack of choices. Here people don't ride in the back of a truck nestled between sacks of corn and empty crates with their 6 month old babies in their arms because they want to they do it because they have to.

The last few days have been spectacular and eyeopening. The people who have been given the responsibility to watch Brittanie and I have loosened their grip a bit. I can almost guarantee you this is not on purpose but it is nice all the same. In the last few days some of the luxuries that have been lavished on Brittanie and I, such as riding in an air conditioned car, have fallen away. We wash our own clothes by hand now, we walked by ourselves more than two blocks and we're able to talk to people that have not been handpicked and found to be trustworthy. The last few days have given me the clearest picture of El Salvador. As much as I don't like what I see, poverty, crime and unfulfilled dreams, this clearer picture has absolutely captivated my attention. I wish I had more time to continue to decipher it.

Dirt and Bugs

If you told me right now that I have an ant on my arm and a mosquito buzzing around my head you would be wrong. You missed the two ants fighting on my shoe, the tiny bug that looks like a dot running around on my hand, the tiny spider on my shirt and the half ant half wasp looking thing on my leg. This is not even an exaggeration.

There are two phenomena/feelings that I am having to get used to here in El Salvador. The first is the feeling of bugs crawling on me all the time. At first I thought that I was just being paranoid then I realized that no, every time I feel like I have bugs crawling on me I do, in fact, have bugs crawling on me. The bugs here are everywhere and tiny. Most of the bugs consist of ants. Millions of tiny ants crawl up and down the walls of every house and office building I have been in. People seem to live in more or less acceptance of the insects. Only when they start to make small piles in a corner of a room or on the edge of a door jam is a little poison left out to kill the offending nest.

I have to remember not to leave anything on my bed when I leave each morning for "work". If it slips my mind and I accidentally leave a book, my back pack or my computer on the bed when I return and finally move it ants scurry away in a zigzag panic. I still don't understand why the ants hide under my books or why they insist on climbing all over my computer when I'm working but I'm beginning to accept it as fact.

The other phenomena is more of a personal hygiene matter and it just boggles me. I'm literally always dirty. It doesn't matter what I do. I can sit at home and read books all day or spend time in the office at Casa Maya and I'm almost just as dirty as if I were to go work in the fields. I wash my face scrub it a bit splash water all over then wipe it off. Every time I leave a weird reddish brown mark on the towel despite already washing and rinsing my face. When I get back to my house I shower off the sticky sweat that starts to accumulate around 9:30 every morning and even in the shower I can't seem to get clean. I lather up the soap and scrub with a these little loufa like gloves but my towel always gets dirty when I dry off.

I've started not drying off after I shower for two reason: 1. I hope that leaving the little drop of water on my body will evaporate and help my melting core cool down 2. I don't like to see how horribly I failed at cleansing myself. The other day I was looking really hard at the little area on the inside of my elbow pondering how it became so tan, then I realized it was just dirt.

Personal appearance is very important here but I'm going to embrace the fact that I am the scrubbiest person in the office. 

Feeding the world one family at a time

Yesterday I went and viewed an agriculture project that ESNA is working on in Castana, El Salvador. The project is small in acreage , 5 acres max, but measured in the impact it has had on the four families it is huge. The project began almost two years ago when ESNA picked 10 families from the community to participate in an intensive two month training then a three year commitment on the farm. Only four of the initial ten families stayed through the training. The families that left thought that it was too much theory and not enough practice. In their rush to get their hands dirty they missed out on three years of rent free land. Many of the families that dropped out during the training tried to get back into the program after the remaining families started to grow, harvest and sell their crops but one strike and they were out. This is too big of an opportunity to squander it on people who are not wholly committed to the project.

Family Garden

The families that stayed received everything that they needed, short of a guarantee from nature that she would comply with their crop cycles, to have a thriving farm. First the families were taught general farm skills such as soil maintenance, crop rotating, plant families, wind breaks, drip systems, etc. Most of these families, although farmers all of their lives, have never grown anything except beans and corn. After the training each family drew straws for their plot of land. Once they had their land ESNA supplied the drip systems, seeds, fertilizer and technical support for the families.

Today the project is in its second year and is beginning the transition to being self-sustainable. The farmers have learned to grow such finicky crops such as tomatoes and bell peppers which bring in enough money from the market to sustain their families. Each farmer was excited to tell Guillermo what they grew in the past season and how it fared at the market. Many of the farmers lit up when they started to talk about their plans for the coming season and what they were hoping to plan.

One family in particular stuck out of the group to me. This family was doing something that really inspired and makes me want to help other families do the same thing. When this family began this project their and that of their children consisted of beans, corn, the occasional protein and the random vegetable from the market. Not they have a thriving garden for personal consumption alongside the land for commercial cultivation. In their garden they are growing okra, cabbage, eggplant, radishes, tomatoes, squash and bell peppers. The mother talked about wanting to grow carrots, cucumber, broccoli, chili peppers and different types of squash.

It was really inspiring to me to see a family get educated then be given a chance to use that education and in the end strive to learn and try more and more. You can see a thirst in them for something better, something different. A few years ago this family was barely self subsisting on a diet of bean and corn with six children. Now not only are selling their crops at the market but they are growing enough that they barely have to buy fruits or vegetables anymore. This is what I like to see, this is what I tried to do by myself at home but couldn't find enough time to commit to my plants. I want to be able to help others be able to feed themselves and their families healthy balanced diets. By empowering parents to feed their children we give them the ability to empower their children to search for and obtain whatever it is that they might want to do in their young lives.

People here constantly ask me why I want to work in agriculture. Here, agriculture is the poor man's work. Only people who can't find anything else to do work in agriculture. For me though, agriculture is about empowering people to feed themselves and giving them self confidence when they see what they can do and how well they can provide. It's also about teaching people that their is a wealth of knowledge that they can tap into if they work together and that through team work much more is possible.

Machine guns, pandilleros y maras

Today I talked to a guy who was a supervisor for an ice cream company. His job was to go around and make sure that the people who rent the little ice cream carts show up everyday and are paying enough money back to the company. After he told me this he threw in that it was a very dangerous job. I sort of chuckled imagining him as the James Bond of sorbet. I could see him making sure the carts had the right mix of ice cream bars and cones.

"It's a very dangerous job" he assured me again, "I have to go into gang territory". "Oh" I said still not quite convinced that a gang would be too worried about an ice cream cart. He could tell I wasn't convinced "I have to pay off the gangs" he said.

Imagine first my disbelief, then my face as I realized that the gangs are so prevalent here that even the ice cream man has to pay his fair share or die.

On the same theme of violence on the way home we passed two guys standing on the side of the road guarding what looked like a bus stop in the middle of nowhere. This is not unusual, most stores, banks, and delivery trucks have their own guards. Both guards had large semiautomatic rifles and you could tell they took their job guarding a little patch of dirt in the middle of nowhere very seriously. Closer to Itzalco I spotted a man in a guard tower with what looked like a sniper rifle in his hands (could have just been a rifle) and a machine gun slung across his back. My head swung around and I craned my neck to figure out what was so important that this man was guarding, it was a fruit company's distribution center.

Where is this foreign land? There is no way that this can be on the same continent as my quiet country abode. Such stark differences from a place where bad stuff rarely happens to a whole country where bad stuff is just considered the norm. If nothing else this trip is really opening my eyes to the great differences in the human condition and each individuals state of living.

I have two opposing thoughts tonight, one good and cheerful the other not so much:
1. Just help at least one person. Help one person escape the circle of violence and poverty, one person would be enough.
2. There is no way to help them all. One person's actions alone cannot change the world. The "Let you're light shine" stuff is bull, alone we're nothing. 

Real Latin America

It's 2 am and the neighbor's rooster is having a crowing battle with a rooster down the road. On the other side of my bedroom wall one of the roosters will sound off an impressive cock-a-doodle-do then a few seconds later another rooster down the road will respond with an equally impressive but slightly muffled cock-a-doodle.

The human noise of the day, my new neighbors and Itzalco's weekly procession of the cross, died down around midnight, now animal noises rule. Dogs punctuate the air with weak whimpers that seem to protest their life on the streets. Cricket like insects sound off occasionally and the ever present coo of doves replace the hoot of owls I'm used to back home.

I'm living in a Latin American post card. The house that I am staying in is more of a compilation of 4 different houses with a large courtyard in the middle. The courtyard is overflowing with plants and large trees grow right up from "inside" the house. We went to the market yesterday to find a few clothes and the sights amazed me. We only walked a block through the open air market but one block might have been all my senses could handle for the day. Vendors sold the usual; vegetables, eggs, fruit, knicknaks, clothes and seafood. Every usual item, however, had it's own Latin America flair.

The vegetables were all different than the manicured ones I am used to, the carrots were gigantic, the broccoli was already wilting in the unforgiving sun and the onions were half the size as the ones I use back home. The eggs were all different shapes and sizes, apparently the Salvadorians realize that uniformity means nothing when the egg is cracked into a dish. The fruit looked like it could have been foraged from the forest just that morning. The seafood was the most startling to me, it was still alive. The crabs were slowly clambering out of the buckets and the fish, although dead, were still 85 percent intact their eyes stared blankly into the passerby's eyes. You also have to remember that there is no refrigeration at the market. Chicken, fish and meat is left in the hot sun to breed the e.coli that recently invaded my gut.

I feel like the lone gringa, a shining sentinel to remind these people of my countries unsanctioned involvement in their civil war. Despite this Latin hospitality meets me at every corner.

Map of El Salvador

Here is the link to a map I made with some of the places I have visited so far.

I got directions to the hostel in San Salvador from Ellensburg, Washington and I figure out that it would only take 60 hours. In less than three days I could be back home by car. This really put into perspective how small our world really is and how drastically a person's life can change just by where they are born, a few days car ride can make a world of difference.

https://mapsengine.google.com/map/edit?mid=zUAXeY3fQqQc.k1oGGceMOdk8

Sick in El Salvador

Google told me that me and half of the group most likely have e.coli. Don't worry Google says you should only be sick out of your mind for 3 to 7 days, unless there are complications of course. Two days ago people started to get sick with what they described as diarrhea like a waterfall. Yesterday three more people got sick and today me and two others woke up with what my doctor back home so nicely referred to as "traveler's tummy". Even though I am not as sick as some of the other girls I am still running at less than 60%.

I skipped out on some of the activities today to stay in the hotel and sleep. After 5 hours of sleep I work up feeling almost worse than I did before I went to bed. Point of this story: If people tell you not to eat the fresh vegetables in a foreign country/drink the water don't. The consequences could be worse than even Lucifer himself could dream up.

Even though I'm sick today I'm optimistic that I'll be better by Friday.

Water bottle sun lights

Right now I'm kicking back and relaxing with my ear buds in at Hotel Agape in Sonsonante, El Salvador. Imagine me rocking out to soul music on Pandora with my feet up in the air processing my day. Today we didn't do much since almost half of the group was sick with, as we like to call it, "travelers tummy" but I think today was the most impactful day I've had so far. We started out doing arts and crafts with kids at Las Trincheras early childhood development center then moved onto installing solar lights. I use the term "installing" in the loosest possible manner since all we were able to do was watch. There are some serious liability issues with allowing 12 college students to climb around on tin roofs in a developing county.

A finished bottle light on the right and the cut metal on the left

The water bottle lights are made out of 2.5 liter bottles and a 8" by 8" piece of metal with a hole cut into it. The bottle is caulked into place and left to dry for 24 hours. When the lights are dried they are filled with water and bleach. A quarter cup of bleach can keep the water dry up to 5 years. Once the lights are made someone has to go around into the community and find somebody who has a sturdy enough roof is willing to have a hole cut into it.

We split ourselves into two different groups so that when we went into people's houses we wouldn't overwhelm their homes. The first group that went talked to a lady who's son had just gone missing a few days before. All she wanted was to have her son's body returned to her so she could give him a proper burial. Her house was a tiny shack and the roof wasn't stable enough to install a light. Despite the fact that the group wasn't able to install a light in her home she still took the time to go pick plumbs and walk with the assistance of her cane a quarter of a mile to thank us for coming to her home.

Before bottle light

In my group, the second group, we were able to watch the installation of 3 different lights. In the first house we installed a light in the main living room/bedroom. There was a single bare bulb in the room already but now they will only have to use is in the evening. We installed a second light in a side room that had 5 different beds packed into a 9' by 20' space. This room had no electricity at all and the family had to use candles in the evening or even to find anything during the day.

The lights were absolutely incredible. They lit up the whole rooms even though it was cloudy outside. When the children came back into the house after the lights were installed the look on their face was priceless. They would look at the lights sort of scrunch up their face in confusion, look at us then look back at the room and smile. They were in utter disbelief that they could see the rooms.

After bottle light

The lights only take about 30 minutes each to install. The bottles are found on the side of the road or recycled from people homes. The total cost is only a few dollars per light minus installation costs. The water in the lights will stay clear for 5 years and will save a family with electricity tons of money or light a home that has no electricity.

One of the girls at the first house we installed a light in

  

Pep talk

The journey is young yet but I'm beginning to think that my incessant pep talks were a little over kill. After my initial panic I had at the airport, I thought the group had landed and left without me, El Salvador has been wonderful. The people are pleasant, the food is good and the group's energy is high but respectful to the Salvadorians. We even have a police escort that turns on its lights and makes the traffic stop anytime we get to an intersection...totally awesome. Alvaro, the director of ESNA, is really concerned about Brittannie and I getting into a program we love and can do great at.

The group that I am with is going to be here for 7 days total. During this time they are really focusing on learning about the history and the culture of El Salvador. This is great for me because the first week I am here I get a crash course or El Salvador history. I've crammed in so much history and knowledge about El Salvador in the last 3 days I hope that I don't start to forget it.

Right now the group is focusing on El Salvador during the war years, late 1970s to 1992. I've been told that one man, Monsenor Oscar A. Romero, represents Salvadorians hope for equality and justice more than any other man. Romero was the archbishop of El Salvador during the beginning of the Civil War. He spoke out against poverty, assassinations, torture and the extreme social injustice that permeated Salvadorian society. Alvaro, our tour guide and all around guy to ask, said that every Sunday when Romero would broadcast his messages the entire country would be quiet. Everyone would huddle around radios to listen to his message. In November 1980 the government thought that Romero was too subversive and they decided to assassinate him.

As Romero reached out to grab the Eucharist he was shot in the heart by a man standing by the doors of the church. A few days later over 100, 000 people gathered in the central square of San Salvador for Romero's funeral. Today Romero's picture adorns walls, his face is painted on street corners and women and children proudly wear shirts embellished with Romero quotes.

Romero is going to be a big inspiration to me while I am here. As I try to emulate his selflessness and desire to be surrounded by people instead of locked away in a sterilized reality. I'm going to try to do as Romero did, spend real time with the people I came to help in order to see life through their eyes and realize what they really need.

"Debo decirle que, como cristiano, no creo en la muerte sin resurrección: Si me matan, resucitaré en el pueblo salvadoreño." 
"I do not believe in death without resurrection. If they kill me I will rise again in the people of El Salvador."

Photo a day.

April 11, 2014

There is definitely a Flintstone themes restaurant in Itzalco.

April 9, 2014
Students... notes
April 8, 2014

This little gem of a pool is as close to heaven as you get in El Salvador. This pool is fed by an underground stream that is cool and clear. Most of the locals prefer the other hydrothermal pools in the area so this pool is generally empty enough to swim and play at will. Despite the fish that constantly bite your feet this pool is perfect!

April 6, 2014

I love old dying buildings. I feel like if you listen hard enough you can hear the voices of the people who have been in them before. This is a picture of the Itzalco church's right bell tower. If you look close you can see a crack from the an earthquake in the 60's. The harder I looked at the tower to more apparent this crack became. It almost looks like the whole bell tower is going to just shear off in a strong wind storm.

April 5, 2014

So what you cannot tell from this picture is that I am standing halfway in a hidden room in the current FMLN headquarters in San Salvador. During the civil war this building had a cash of weapons hidden in an underground room. The entrance to the hidden room is in now in the women's bathroom. Today only files are stored down there but I could imagine it stockful of grenades and AK47s.

April 4, 2014

I learned how to make tortillas today! I only made one tortillas for every two of the other girl but nobody could tell which ones were mine and which ones were her's... SUCCESS!

April 3, 2014

Nothing like a Washington State apple to brighten my day!

April 2 2014


April 1, 2014

Volcano Itzalco

March 31, 2014

In this picture I imagine Michelle as looking out hopeful and expectant about what she is going to see. All El Salvadorians seem to be like this in life. They are all hopeful despite all of the bad. Even the older generation that has lived through a gruesome civil war is hopeful and excited about the future and the good that they know will come in the next 10 or 20 years. 

March 30, 2014

This is Kiva, she is my new best friend in El Salvador. She is a spunky lab that drags her feet when she walks and likes to jump on whoever enters into the house.

March 29, 2014

This is the third procession I have seen in the two days I have been here. Yesterday there were two for adults and this afternoon this procession is for kids. Tonight there is another procession for God only knows what. It's pretty cool but I'm still trying to figure out what they all mean. 

March 28, 3014

This is inside Connie's house. When you first walk into her house there is a large room that is mostly unused. Then you enter into another room large room. The ceiling in this room is made up of overlapping roofs and is open to the outdoors. Then you pass into the area in this picture. The room to the left is where I will be staying for the next three months. And straight ahead are two separate courtyards and Connie's house in the very back of the house/complex.

March 27, 2014

The sun is setting on the last day with the CCLP group. By 3 a.m. tomorrow morning I will be more or less alone in El Salvador... Time to master my harmonica.

March 26, 2014

Today we went to the ESNA farm to clear a patch of land and cut chile peppers and this is how I looked after only an hour. Everyday I get dirty in the morning, shower at lunch then get even dirtier in the evening. I've decided that the only way to make myself seem less dirty every day is to get tan so the dirt blends in better. 

March 25, 2014
The top picture for today is the picture of a living room/bedroom of a house in Las Trincheras. Today we were on a mission to install some water bottle lights. The top picture is the room without a light and the bottom is the room after we installed the water bottle light. In case you don't know what a water bottle light is it's just what it sounds like. It is a water battle filled with water and stuck into the ceiling and caulked into place. The lights can put off the same amount of light as a 60 watt light bulb.

March 24, 2014

This was taken this morning when we went to the early childhood development center to play with little kids. The center was small and packed to the brim with kids. Even though we could barely talk to each other we played for almost a solid giggly hour.  

March 23, 2014

This was my lunch. It was delicious. It is not really a good example of anything Salvadorian but it made my afternoon. It is just a bunch of vegetables and bread cooked on a grill and slathered with salsa verde and balsamic. 

March 22, 2014

These little kids are jumping around, shoving each other and having a great time in the back of a truck going 50 miles an hour down the highway... I'll never be as badass as a foreign kid. 

March 21, 2014

This is the courtyard in the San Salvador Hostel. The succulents hanging from the wall made me smile when I first walked in. This is where I've been sitting to write my blog and pretend it is not 95 degrees with 80% humidity.

March 20th 2014

On the road today. Last time I'll see the Stuarts in a while!

March 19th 2014

Final packing. Everything is loaded up now. One carry on and 1/3 of a backpack. I'm feeling like I packed too light... Too late now. El Salvador here I come!

A wee bit terrifying

This post is a recreation of another post I had from a previous trip. Each day I'll post on here and say one thing I did that scared me. It's a way to make sure I am moving out of my comfort zone and experiencing something new it's also a great way to reflect on how these actions are growing me.

March 30, 2014. Family Reunion.
     Too much Spanish for one day! Brittanie and I went to Connie's mini family reunion today. Five of her six brothers and sisters met up with all of their children to have lunch in Cerro de los Narranjos. I spoke in Spanish the whole time and was completely overwhelmed by all of the conversations happening around me. If in doubt while talking in a foreign language just smile... I smiled a lot today.

March 29, 2014. Family Time
    I joined in with the family circle today at Connie's house. It was a little intimidating since everyone was firing questions off at me from all angles. I was also hesitant to enter into the conversation since Connie's brother's mother in law just died a few days ago and I don't want to intrude on their grieving period. Everything went well however I practiced my Spanish and they got to laugh at me while I struggled to communicate.

March 28, 2014. New Digs
     Today I moved into my new home. As nice as it is there are somethings that I was really not so sure about. For instance, it is 100 degrees everyday and there is no AC, there are ants all over my room all the time, technically I have windows but they don't really shut so everyone can hear everything that goes on in my room, and there is no hot water... I'm going to have to come to love cold showers.

March 27, 2014.
     Today I went into the Pacific Ocean. Now this was no nice tame and mild Pacific Ocean that I have seen in other places in Central America but a wild and tumultuous ocean. We never went further than our waists into the water but I would never want to. Each wave would come and crash over our heads and push us onto the beach then as it withdrew it would pull us back out again only to be met with a wave crashing over our heads. Other people in the group really loved the ocean and the water pushing and pulling on their bodies but I was out of my element. I able to read water that moves in one direction but and not accustomed to the tides and the crashing of waves on my body.

March 26, 2014.
     I failed at choosing to do something that scared me today. There were a couple things that I did that made me uncomfortable but nothing that I did purposely. I guess the one thing about today that put me the farthest out of my comfort zone however was going to the farm to work even though, as google tells me, I probably have a nice little case of e.coli.

March 25, 2014. Stranger Danger.
     The more time I spend in El Salvador the more and more I realize my Spanish is quite terrible. The Salvadorians tell me that it is good but I know where my level is. I talk sort of like one of our two armed escorts. He knows many words and can make simple sentences but it's really difficult to have a actual conversation with him.
     Today I decided that I am going to talk in Spanish whenever I can, even with the translators that speak almost fluent English. After I made my decision I was surprised by all the opportunities that presented themselves. The grounds keeper at the hotel came and talked to me, so did a guy about my age in the village we were working in and even three guys by the pool who pretty much mobbed me with questions. When the three guys started to talk to me by the pool my first response was to leave and find a safe person a.k.a someone from my group. I didn't want to leave because I felt threatened but really just because I was overwhelmed with the language and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself.
     After a tense few moments I decided to stay and chat. The conversation was rewarding. We talked about El Salvador, where they were from and what I was doing in their country... Conversing with strangers is getting to be a theme of this page!

March 24, 2014. Playing with los ninos.
     Depending on how well you know me you'll either understand my extreme dislike/fear/confusion with kids and anything related to them. I just don't like the fact that I can't communicate with them. Today I spent a few hours playing with kids. Even though I'm sure I had a look of fear plastered on my face the whole time the kids didn't seem to notice. I'm going to have to learn to be okay with kids if I'm going to be here for another few months!

March 23, 2014
     Food is sometimes a big theme in my "something I am afraid of blogs". I am vegetarian, lactose intolerant and don't handle spice very well at all. I miss out on a bunch of the culture when I travel since there is so much that I don't or cannot eat. So far in all my travels my bowels and my convictions have kept me from dairy and meat, I'll just have to wait and see if El Salvador breaks me.
     Today I ate spicy food. Just to give you an idea of how much I don't like spice I'll just say that I don't even eat black pepper. Today I slathered my food in a green salsa think. It was spicy but I decided to suck it up and learn to like some spice.

March 22, 2014. Market
     Today after sightseeing all morning we went to the outdoor market in downtown San Jose. Usually you have to be on your guard at markets and anywhere there are a lop of people but this just felt too weird. There were so many eyes following our group I was unprepared it. I have never traveling in such a large group of gringos before and I was not ready for all of the attention we brought to ourselves. Despite my unease everything was just fine.

March 21, 2014. Arrival
     I did two things that put me out of my comfort zone today. The first was going up to a complete stranger in the Dulles airport and starting a conversation. He was sitting on the floor all by himself and I though he could use some company. After walking by three different times and pretending to fill up my water bottle I took the plunge, walked over and asked if he wanted some company. It turned out to be extremely rewarding he turned out to be a nice guy and we both needed a laugh before we settled into our long layovers.
     The other thing was showing up in the El Salvador airport without a contact number and all alone. The other part of my group flew in from Houston and were suppose to arrive half an hour before my flight. After sitting outside of the airport for 30 minutes I was pretty sure they had landed, forgot about me and headed to the hostel. I talked myself out of a mild panic and in the end their plane was just about 45 minutes late.

March 20, 2014. No going back now.
     I am spending all of today in airports alone. This can be a blessing or a curse. I find that I'm always more approachable when you are alone and get to meet more people and have good conversations but there are downsides too. It's always nice to have two minds while traveling, four eyes and an extra set of hands.

March 19, 2014. The day before.

     Today I packed for the third and final time. I took out the extra pair of shorts, added a skirt and left myself only a few shirts. Packing is always a bit stressful when every inch of space matters. I've done it enough that I know I don't need much but learning that I was teaching threw me for a loop. I added nicer shirts and a nicer skirt even though I'm seriously doubting I will ever use them.

Counting the hours now

22 hours from now I will be boarding a plane headed to Washington D.C. 28 hours from now I will be settling into for a long layover at Dulles International Airport. I'll find myself a nice spot on the floor and try to sleep away some of my travel jitters as I wait for my next flight. 36 hours from now I will have boarded another flight and be well on my way to my final destination. El Salvador is less than 42 hours away!

I'm ready to go.

Ready to go pose!

Panic sets in

The panic set in today when I talked to Justine, the intern coordinator. I saw her number pop up on my phone at 1:17pm and was initially relieved. I had been waiting to hear from her in order to figure out my in country responsibilities. As she started to talk all the relief I felt slowly trickled away. She wanted me to teach English 5 days a week, alone, without help, completely in control of my own class. I am not a teacher. I am freaking out. In all previous conversations I was under the impression that I would be able to shadow farmers and be a helping hand. I guess it's time to change my mindset.

I guess I should have realized it before but ESNA wants people that they don't have to babysit, they want people who they can describe a need to then 10 weeks later see the problem resolved. I like people like this, they are the only ones I hire, but I'm suddenly doubting whether this is me... Deep breaths, relax. It's time for me to begin mental preparation and start to rekindle relations with all my teacher friends. I'm going to need all the help I can get.

How do I teach English to kids? What activities do I do? Come on readers help me out. 

Packing... Ugh

I'm definitely in the single digits now, I don't even have a full week left until I fly out. Considering that I'm leaving in 5 days I decided to start packing... ughh. What do you take for three months in a foreign country? Do I really need the extra pair of sandals? What about the five books I grabbed off my shelf? How many hair-ties do I need? I asked myself at least 2 dozen questions just like this yesterday when I started packing.

By this point in my life I am a fairly experienced packer. I've gotten used to living with only a two pairs of pants, three shirts and lots of socks and underwear. I have a system. First I grab the box of little necessities I have packed away in my closet. My travel grabbag includes earplugs, padlock, cards, word fill-in book, pen, travel journal, packing cubes, hand sanitizer, chapstick, worn copies of my passport, fingernail clippers, baseball cap and my grey bandanna.

Next grab a laundry hamper and throw in everything other than clothes I want to take with me. Books, Spanish to English dictionary, water bottles, water purifier, day bag, backpack, computer, camera, extra batteries, and all the crazy charging wires.

Next I move to clothes. I grab four or five extra of everything. 8 pairs of shorts, 10 shirts, 4 pairs of pants, 3 sandals, 2 tennis shoes, two jackets, extra pajamas, 3 undershirts and pretty much my entire drawer of socks and underwear. The fun part comes when I try every single piece of clothing, I do this mostly just for kicks. I'll try on a pair of shorts then stand in front of my mirror pretending to shovel, then giggle for a bit and try something else on. If I can't see myself knee deep in mud and sitting at the table during a fancy dinner I throw it on the floor. Soon I'll only have 3 shorts, 1 pair of pants, and 4 shirts, I'm not there yet but I have faith in myself.

Someone once said the only way to pack was to lay out everything you wanted to take. Once you have everything laid out take twice the money and half the clothes. 

Regrets

The week before I travel I always have these little regrets, things that nag at me and make me want to stay home. Like, I just met a guy and I actually like him. I have to leave in 10 days knowing full well that I might never see him again and probably never in the same capacity. Or even though I have spent the last 12 weeks training person after person to take over my job there is still nobody to take my place in my mother's company. I feel like I am throwing her to the wolves and letting her fend for herself. Little things too, like, I really enjoy feeding wild birds. Spring is the best time to feed because you can watch the birds come home then see their new hatchlings a few weeks later.

All these things by themselves don't really amount to much but when I start to think about them together the "I can't believe I am going to miss XX" start to add up.

This week has been all about setting priories for myself. Every time I start to feel bad about leaving my mom stranded in her business I have to remind myself that my future is in my hands and it's more important; besides she always figures something out. Or every time I start to think about going to El Salvador just a few weeks after I've met a really great guy I have to remind myself that life has a way of working itself out for the better and this internship is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's hard to imagine the world in my hometown continuing to function without me in it even though I know it does.

This trip feels like a really grown up thing for me even though leaving a lot of unfinished projects and loose ends back home feels really childlike. As selfish as it sounds I made a list of my priorities on my bathroom mirror 1. Me 2. Family 3. Others. It was a simple list and has helped me rid myself of the guilt I feel when I look around at my half finished jobs. Over the next few months hopefully I can break down priority 1 into a more detailed list in order to find some direction after this adventure. 

Yearning for travel

My body yearns for travel. My eyes stray to the maps on my walls when I should be brushing up on my spanish. My taste buds crave pineapple and gallo pinto when I'm looking at apples and potatoes. My fingers inadvertently find latin radio stations when all I want to do is listen to NPR. My hands grab the sandals off of the shelf when there is still 6 inches of snow outside. Even my dreams are of far away wooded lands with high peaks and deep valleys.

I leave for El Salvador in 16 days and 4 hours but it might as well be 16 years and 4 months. The last time I had a good adventure was over two years ago and I am well overdue.

For the next 2 weeks I will be pacing and pacing impatiently waiting to go to El Salvador. Once I get to El Salvador I will be doing an internship through ESNA Village Networks, a US based nonprofit. I have yet to draw up the in country responsibilities (the job description) with the organization but I'm surprisingly not worried. Previous experience in Latin America tells me that you can plan and plan all you want but something outside of your control is always going to change your plans. If you could not tell already I am beyond excited. I bought my ticket, sunscreen and a few good books; I am ready to go work my butt off, immerse myself and pretend to be a Salvadorena if only for a few months.

I am a planner, a pre-packer and a slight worrier but for some reason the uncertainty of this trip doesn't bother me at all. I looked up the stats, El Salvador is a pretty rough place, but I realize that there is nothing but fate to protect me while I am away. This lack of control is slightly comforting. I can't say that I have ever lived in a developing country but I've visited and I hope I'm tough enough to stay for the full 12 weeks. When I visited the Dominican Republic I saw people drink from wells less than 5 feet from open sewage and I talked to depressed men who had no work. Each trip, city and person in a foreign country has a new story to tell, I don't know what El Salvador has in store for me but I have decided to leave expectations at home and let whatever happens happen. When I am in the States I take the simplest things in life for granted, food, rest, water, security, etc., it's time for me to embrace a little uncertainty and enjoy some latin days.

This image was taken from http://excellentworlds.com/data_images/countries/el-salvador/el-salvador-05.jpg